


Moths and Flames

by hmmfitz (alicorn7)



Category: Guiding Light
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 08:48:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17721992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicorn7/pseuds/hmmfitz
Summary: first kiss





	Moths and Flames

Anyone watching the two women on the park bench could have been forgiven for dismissing them as simply two dear friends, offering each other nothing but support as they slid together, allowing their heads to meet, probably in some girlish and immature conversation. But a seasoned observer of human nature would have noted how easily they appeared to blend into their surroundings, almost as if that was what they wished, eager to preserve the closeness they cherished. As if they simply wanted the world to pass them by and let them be. Allow them to exist in a bubble of their own making. 

 

But a bubble wasn’t the world’s best defence against reality, it lacked the stability required of a home and the sharp edges of the world always seemed to find these simple structures of the human mind and heart. How simple it was to jar against such shapes, allowing simply the noise of your arrival to shatter and burst a bubble. Forcing reality upon its occupants and today the sharp edge had been Frank.

 

Olivia sat uncharacteristically silent, allowing the conversation to wash over her. Feeling that she didn’t as yet have the acknowledged right to voice her thoughts or interject on this subject. She was still so unsure of her role. Uncertain what Natalia expected of her, where her only son was concerned. They were still finding their way, finding their feet as a couple, shifting positions, negotiating over the lead on most subjects. This one just hadn’t really come up and therefore she remained quiet, allowing her thoughts to wander.

 

Natalia’s excitement was welling, she could see it in her eyes; the hope that Rafe could be set free was seeded. The dream blossomed, that she could soon have her son back, to shelter him under her ever protective wing. But, Olivia couldn’t help feeling a mix of hesitant joy and doubt at Rafe's possible return. It would make the woman she loved happy and she wanted that more than anything. But if she was honest she selfishly wanted to be the one to make Natalia blissfully happy. She didn’t know what his return would mean for their burgeoning relationship or the dynamics of the family she was trying to re-build.    

 

Rafe had been an absent figure for most of their time together, someone they visited, sent cards to, made gifts for, Emma’s cousin and Gus’ son. But he hadn’t lived with them, she didn’t know who he was, all she had learned had been through the eyes of his mother and her stories, her memories of the life they had led.  She hadn’t had the opportunity to learn his moods, his habits or what he would need from her. He’d been a once removed obligation, a continual consideration and the son Natalia loved.

 

Most of their conversations had consisted of either her shouting at him or him shouting at her. For all she knew he probably still thought of Olivia as the woman who had stolen his father’s house, his father’s heart and the battle axe that employed his mother. She didn’t really have a clue what he thought of the friendship that she and his mother and built. He’d been kind to Emma, but most people found her daughter easy to be kind to and for that she was always grateful, taking no responsibility for that herself. How on earth was he going to react to the news that she and his mother wanted to be together – as a couple?

 

Realising that Frank was about to leave, she dragged her thoughts back to the present and turning her attention back to the woman she loved, she saw so much exuberance and excitement, bundled within her shinning brown eyes. Opening her arms she drew Natalia to her, offering her the support she needed. [Okay! I can do this. I have to make this work – for her].     

 

\-------- * --------

 

Natalia was torn in two. She wanted Rafe home, but she dreaded the conversation that she knew she needed to have with her son. The conversation she had to have, if she didn’t want Olivia to feel that she had abandoned her. No one knew as well as she did the true vulnerability and self doubt that would so easily re-surface within the woman she loved, if she wasn’t very, very careful.

 

It hadn’t taken her long to realise that her original idea of just letting Rafe get used to Olivia visiting her and spending time with her as friends, wouldn’t work. Their stilted attempts at normal wouldn’t fool her son for long. Their double meanings and looks easily travelled over the young head of sweet Emma, but Rafe wasn’t that naïve and hadn’t been for more years than she cared to admit. He wouldn’t be slow to pick up that something had changed between his mother and Olivia.

 

She didn’t want o go back, she didn’t want to have to hide how she felt anymore, she wanted her son to see what she had found and how happy it made her. She didn’t want to spend the rest of their lives planning trysts and moments alone, treating how they felt as something cheep and embarrassing; unable to share the simplest of affections – that would never be enough for her. She wanted Olivia in her life, in her home, in her…..bed.

 

Blushing slightly at her boldness, she tentatively smiled. “I wonder of she’s thought about… that yet?” Recalling the smouldering looks that she had sometimes caught and the way Olivia had raised her hand to her cheek at Emma’s school asking if she was ready for ‘this kind of love?’ Natalia shook her head, “Oh, she’s thought about it.”      

 

How was she going to explain this to Rafe, explain what they were, who they would be, that Olivia was going to be her – The one I want to grow old with, [oh goodness, I like that]. She laughed mentally accepting the overwhelming soppiness that filled her heart; Partner [no, we’ve done that]; Significant other [eeek, awful]; Wife? [he’ll laugh]; Lover???? [he’ll choke] They hadn’t even kissed yet – she couldn’t count that one! Could she?

 

How was she going to explain that eventually Olivia would be moving into the farmhouse and sharing her bedroom. They hadn’t really talked about what moving in together would mean, living together, sleeping together or making love. Stopping her train of thought, she suddenly realised that Olivia hadn’t actually said anything about wanting a physical relationship, why on earth hadn’t the worldly wise Olivia Spencer talked to her about that yet? Was she deliberately avoiding the subject? What if she didn’t want….[Oh dear Lord…. Tell me she wants the same things that I do?]. 

 

What if she told Rafe everything that she assumed Olivia moving in would mean and then…. and then it didn’t happen! What if Olivia, the woman she loved, had decided that she didn’t want to share her bed, how would she explain that to her Son? “We have to talk.” She announced to the farmhouse, as she reached for the phone.

 

\------- * --------

 

Olivia walked towards the farmhouse that had once been her home and god willing would be so again. Her stride eager and purposeful; she’d had to stop herself from skipping like a schoolgirl as she’d left the Beacon. [How does she still do this to me?] Knocking at the back door of the farmhouse, she allowed her excitement to spread across her face, breaking into a silly grin as the door handle twisted.

 

“You really need to stop knocking. Everyone else just walks in.” the smiling brown eyes informed her.

 

“Don’t I know it.” She stated, raising a knowing eyebrow.

 

“huh?”

 

“Remind me later and I’ll explain. Right now… this is what I need.” She said reaching out and wrapping her arms around the woman she loved. “Sorry, but I’ve been waiting to do that all afternoon.” She mumbled into Natalia’s ear.

 

Natalia instinctively wrapped her arms around the slightly taller woman’s waste and pulled her closer still, their bodies seeming to meld into each other as each sighed with the sheer contentment, that their closeness brought. [Is this all she needs?] Wondered Natalia, as her fears re-surfaced.

 

After what seemed an age, Natalia could almost hear their friendship clock telling her that that it was time for the hug to end. She began to stiffen knowing that this closeness would soon become uncomfortable and open a door to something else unless they parted. Just what that something else was, she really needed to know and yet fearing the answer she began to pull away. She wasn’t ready to risk rejection on that level, without at least having some idea of the risk she was taking.

 

The feeling of loss was almost immediate to Olivia, but she accepted it as she knew she must. Glancing at the Kitchen table to avoid meeting Natalia’s eyes, she saw the small statue of the Virgin Mary sitting before a drawn back chair. [Uh-oh!] Steeling herself and swallowing she turned back to face her would be lover, gesturing with her eyes towards the figurine. “Something on your mind?” She asked fully expecting to see that all too familiar awkwardness cross those lovely features. What she wasn’t prepared for was the fierce blush that erupted across Natalia’s skin! [Woahhh!…  think I hit a nerve…]

 

“I…. we….” Was all that Natalia managed to stutter. Before looking away and quickly moving towards the chair she had obviously been sitting in. “We need…. To talk about Us…. Where we…. What we want…. What we expect….. What you expect from…from Us….. from me.” She stated before shyly glancing at Olivia and sliding into the chair.

 

“Okay, so we need to talk about…… Oh!” and the lights came on. [She wants to talk about….. Oh my god! …. She wants to talk to me - about SEX!] Realisation struck Olivia ‘Freakin’ Spencer like a freight train leaving her mind no choice but to derail. She’d kinda assumed it would just happen, that they would slowly evolve, without the need for words. She’d known that seducing Natalia wasn’t even on the table. This was going to be different – way different.  But to talk about it ‘gulp’ to seriously talk about sex. She’d never just talked about sex. Okay she’d flirted, hinting at sex, used it as a tool, a weapon. But seriously talked about – It, about what she needed. [Oh hell…. I’m so not ready for this].

 

“I need to talk to Rafe. I mean you know that…right.” Natalia mumbled, her eyes indicating that Olivia should take a seat. “I realised that I have… I mean I know what I mean when I talk about us being together, as a couple - here and I’d just, you know, assumed that because we’re in tune about so many things, that you wanted the same things I do, when you talk about us being together….. living here together. But in reality I don’t really know if that’s true. I don’t actually know, I mean you haven’t actually said what you want from me, from us.”    

 

Olivia almost dropped into the chair, as the focus of Natalia’s query became apparent and her knees deserted her. [She can’t seriously expect me to admit…. To be the first to voice it…. So not fair…. Why is it always me?] She chewed at the side of her lip, afraid that if she tried to put into words the dreams she had for them, that it would inevitably come out sounding course and dirty, or worse still, clinical and distant. How on earth was she meant to describe the desire, the passion and the closeness that she so fervently hoped she would find in Natalia’s arms. Unable to raise her eyes from the table she began to speak, slowly, quietly, as if offering a prayer. “I want…. I want us to be close… I want to be with you here… to be together as a family… as a couple.” She managed, monitoring each word and forcing herself to keep going. “I want to share everything with you….. to live together….. Be together… Okay?”

 

“Me too, I want to share everything I have with you. But, could we get any more vague? We’re not being interviewed, we’re talking – just us. I can’t believe that we find it so hard to talk about this.” Natalia dispaired, throwing her eyes towards heaven. “Okay… In my world….. you moving back in…. means that you would want to share not only this home, our children and our lives, but also…. a bed.” She stated throwing Olivia a hesitantly questioning glance, but unable to catch the eyes of the now almost foetal woman before her.         

 

“We’ve already shared a bed.” Olivia reminded her.

 

“Olivia! Oh for goodness sake…. I want us to share a bed, to….. to make love…. to…. [Oh no – it can’t be true] ……. You do find me……. physically attractive?” Natalia asked, her voice ending in a squeak of sheer distress.

 

Green eyes filled with concern and disbelief, as Olivia quickly responded to dispel Natalia’s apparent doubts. “Is the Pope, a Catholic?” the immediate a flash of annoyance that crossed Natalia’s face, drew her up sharply. [Oh hell, another resounding Spencer cock up] Pushing her own fears aside, she sought forgiveness. “Sorry…. Yes, absolutely and unequivocally – Yes.” Rising from her chair, she moved towards Natalia determined to do the one thing Olivia never thought she would do for anyone, she fell to her knees. 

 

[I can’t loose her over this – I can’t have her doubting that I want her] Fixing Natalia with a look that spoke of inner truths, gone was the bravado, the shield, the worldly faced Olivia, as she took a deep breath, before taking Natalia’s hands in her own and looking up into the face of the woman that had come to mean everything to her. “I don’t know if you realise it, but you’ve been having a very devastatingly effect on my libido for quite some time, finding you attractive almost drove me insane, hell I even went to a gay bar, just to see if it was a sudden attraction to women or just you – it was just you. Yes - I think about us, here in this house, about me in your life, in your future….. in your bed.” She paused, noting her almost imperceptible swallow, as Natalia took in that piece of information. [She’s not running – that’s a good thing – right?] “I think about making love to you, about ravishing you, about how it would feel to have you touching me, making love to me.” Keeping eye contact was torture, but she was rewarded, with as a glow began to wash over the face of the woman before her. “But, I worry about showering you with everything that I feel, everything that I want, of giving you all that I am, of offering you every part of myself, knowing that I want to trust you with my very soul, it scares me shitless, that I... that we… that I may not be enough for you or that what I want, could be the very thing that scares you away.” Olivia’s throat seemed to tighten, as she fought to find the words. “I love you, more than I think I’ve ever loved anyone, I dream about you, about us, silly sappy romantic dreams and…..Oh yeh… hot steamy sexy fantasies.” She grinned. “I need you in my life and it that terrifies me. But you.. the idea that somehow you…. don’t know what I want….. all of you, in every way that counts, but if I have to wait for years to have you, I will.” She stated firmly.

 

Natalia opened her mouth, to say something, but she couldn’t find the words.

 

“I’m hoping that won’t be required.” Olivia added, offering Natalia a pleading smile. “If I’ve ever made you unsure or doubt that I desire you, that I find everything about you physically and mentally attractive, your dimples, your faith, your bossiness, your sappiness, your loyalty, your quiet strength, your family, your tuna casserole, your generosity, your bravery, the way you hide the most amazing body and sexy smile, just so that you can send me reeling whenever you walk into a room, the….  Huh?…” Olivia was momentarily disorientated as Natalia let go of her hands; confused by her reaction she froze. Watching in silence as the object of her hearts desire kicked away her chair and falling to her knees, reached out for Olivia’s face.

 

“You do all of that to me.” She told her, as her warm hands, caressed the sides of Olivia’s face, as she moved forward. “You once said, that actions speak louder than words.”

 

Olivia’s mind unravelled as she realised that she was about to be kissed. Natalia was going to…. [and I’m already on my knees!!]

 

Natalia paused momentarily, glancing down at the lips that had seemed so often to invite her attention, at their fullness, the red and sensuous curve that she longed to trace, before she gave into the longing she had held at bay for so long. Brushing Olivia’s lips with her own, was like caressing silk, [so soft] it left her wanting more.  Natalia’s lips seemed to move of their own volition savouring the feel of Olivia’s warm and welcoming lips, surrendering completely to what they had both denied for so long.

 

It was as if another language had been found, another way of saying everything that they couldn’t use words to say. Such longing, such hunger and so much Love. Natalia was awash with the heady mix, her brain seemingly intoxicated by the thoughts and emotions filling her mind, as the need to be closer, to have more began to form within her. Running her tongue between her lips she attempted to taste the woman she loved, it was such a primal urge, such a primitive instinct, the need to know Olivia in every way she could.

 

Olivia whimpered, at the touch of Natalia’s tongue, she had been in control of herself, of their sweet, oh so sweet first kiss, until that moment. The feel of Natalia’s warm and wet tongue did things to her insides, to her heart, to her mind, as erotic images flashed into her mind  [I’m so going to hell!] she thought as a wave of sheer unadulterated desire washed over her, opening her mouth, she invited her beloved to take her, know her, meet her. But she wasn’t in any way prepared for the sheer passion that poured from Natalia, the hungry searching tongue that invaded, seeming to delve into the very corners of her soul.

 

Letting out a feral groan, she swayed, [oh thank god - yes, she wants me…..thank you. Thank you!] Surrendering to Natalia’s mouth and allowing herself to bathe in the desire rained upon her, Olivia felt an all too familiar roaring hunger back building. Knowing that she wouldn’t be able to hold it at bay for long, [too soon - too soon!!!!], she attempted to regain control of the kiss.

 

[More, I need more… oh my god, so soft, so…. that’s mine] she thought as she ran her hand down the side of Olivia’s neck, pulling her closer again [your mine…. Oh yes…..] She reeled as Olivia invaded her mouth, [Olivia…. take me, take all of me…. So hot… so strong, so open….. make that sound again… touch me… I want you… all mine, every part of you is mine…] 

 

They fought, as they had never before, dancing tongues offering challenges, caresses and submission, followed by teasing , cursing, screaming need. Plumbing each others core, in a chorus of admissions, prayers and raw honesty. Breaking apart only to gasp for air, like long distance swimmers, before diving back into the waves of their combined passions. Fighting for control, extracting confessions, releasing their longings, as hands began to roam, over shoulders, down necks, across backs, pulling, needing, caressing, clawing.  

 

Olivia thought she had known passion, known desire, known love, but this – this was beyond her experience, it was devastating. She felt free and yet lost, vulnerable and yet safe, scared and yet thrilled, Natalia was taking her on an emotional passion filled roller coaster of exploration and she loved it. Her heart seemed ready to explode, the blood pumping through her veins slowing down time itself, to allow each taste, each touch and shudder, each sound to be absorbed into her very bones, [is this what dying really feels like?] Throwing her hands to Natalia’s shoulders, she fought for her sanity, for control, clinging on for sheer life, as she pulled away from that addictive mouth, quickly holding the woman of her dreams at bay, as she panted for breath and opened her eyes.

 

Blazing green eyes almost seemed to cut into her brain, as Natalia stared at the shocked woman before her. She could feel Olivia’s trembling fingers on her shoulders, she could see the unashamed desire fighting for control of her mind, she could feel the adoration, the tenderness, the love, the raw need [oh my]. As a rakish smile crept across Olivia’s face, Natalia felt her cheeks begin to redden.

 

“Woah Nellie! Who are you and what have you done to my Natalia?”

 


End file.
